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Friday, September 28, 2007

Personal Injury: Masochism or Clumsiness

(I took some vacation time during the creation of this post so it has been a couple of weeks in the making.)

I recently sent out an email to some people who I "thought" were friends. The email was just a link to a weird chocolate bar I saw that had crunchy bacon bits in it. I figured, I have heard people say that everything goes with bacon, and I have also heard people say the same thing about chocolate, so if you put the two together you would have the perfect food. One of my friends replied (accidentally I hope) to the entire list and told me I was sick and wrong. I can accept that I am a bit weird (and perhaps even a little sick and wrong) but that email set off a flurry of emails from various people agreeing with her. This roast lasted for several days (I had started ignoring it by this point) when someone else complained and it died down.

During the course of the email conflagration one friend mentioned some of my many injuries. This struck me as funny because I have always been somewhat accident prone. My ability to be injured in very interesting ways and my tolerance for pain is somewhat legendary. My mom said when I was young and would go to the doctor, the nurses would tell her that if they didn't know her, they would think I was abused, because I was constantly covered in cuts and bruises. This penchant for injury has remained with me through my whole life. I haven't decided yet if I have an incredibly high pain tolerance because of all the injuries of if all the injuries have numbed me to felling pain. This is a list of many of the strange injuries I have suffered and the ways I received them over the years. It isn't anywhere near exhaustive and I am sure I will leave many off, but I will try to include the best ones. Most of the ones I will leave off are the normal cuts and bruises that are pretty much a daily occurrence for me. I will list them generally chronologically as "early childhood", "childhood", "teens", and "adult".

Early Childhood some of these are anecdotal from my mother or others
1. I burned my fingers badly by sticking tweezers in the electrical outlet.
2. I ate a bottle of sleeping pills because I thought they were candy.
3. While in kindergarten I got a really bad abrasion on the playground as I sat silently with blood streaming down my leg the school nurse kept asking if I was OK. I repeatedly told her I was, and as she cautiously approached me with the iodine soaked swab she asked me one more time. Once again I told her I was fine and then I asked why she kept asking me that. She said that most kids my age freaked out and started screaming when she even got near them with the iodine and she was afraid I was in shock. I calmly told It didn't hurt and asked why should I scream you haven't even touched me with it yet.
4. Broken nose at some point (also too young to remember).
5. Several dog bites.
6. several near drownings. (my dad would take me fishing and tie a rope around my waste to pull me back in).

Childhood
this is where they get good.
7. I was riding a rocking horse at the babysitters when I fell off the back of it splitting my head open. I needed several stitches and this may be the source of my dislike of horses.
8. I was fumbling around in the dark basement trying to find the light switch, when I felt something on the wall... it was an active light socket with no bulb in it and I discovered this by sticking my finger in it and getting knocked on my butt by the subsequent shock.
9. Riding my bike down the street I thought I heard someone call my name when I turned to look back I ran full speed into a parked car. I learned that day that boys bikes should really be the ones without the bar. I limped, doubled over for 2 blocks dragging my bike, because I couldn't sit down on the seat. (to top it off nobody actually called my name).
10. Never light a firecracker on a sparkler. The explosion left my hand black and fingers numb for hours.
11. While sharpening a stick with a rusty pocket knife I took off the tip of my thumb luckily it was only the fleshy bit.
12. While using steel wool to clean the rust off the before mentioned "rusty" knife, I somehow managed to have it snap shut on my finger which resulted in the loss of a fingernail (to this day it still doesn't look right).
13. The bell rang while I was on the monkey bars at recess one day. I was practicing skipping bars at the time, and I figured I had time for one more try. I swung my hardest and reached with all my might to skip 5 bars. As my fingers grasped at thin air, the ground suddenly rushed up from nowhere and knocked the wind out of me. I had never had the wind knocked out of me before, I didn't know what to do. I ran to the doors to tell my teacher I couldn't breathe, but the exertion made me light headed and by the time I got to her all I could do was gasp and stumble. She made me sit down on the stairs for about 15 minutes before I could breathe normally again and then told me to stay away from the monkey bars.
14. One time I was walking home from the local pool wearing flip-flops, when I sliced my big toe open on a broken bottle. I walked about a mile to my great grandmothers where I called my mom who didn't believe me when I said I needed stitches. So, I walked another mile or so home. When she saw the extent of my injuries she took me to get the stitches.
15. I got a concussion when i was playing street football with some friends I was running backwards and tripped and I feel straight back onto my head.
16. As a child we had a large tree in the yard that was full of cicadas. One day I was climbing this tree and when I was about 25 feet up I pulled my head level with the branch above me and found myself looking eye to eye with the biggest, meanest cicada I have ever seen. It started buzzing angrily so I did what any rational person would do let go of the branch I was holding on to. Unfortunately for me I was not standing on anything at the time and I fell like a rock trough the tree breaking branches all the way down as well as being whipped by smaller branches. I survived the ordeal with several abrasions and welts. The harmless cicada was uninjured.

Teens
skateboarding will play a major role in this category
17. I broke my thumb playing nunchucks with a friend he had a staff and just bashed the heck out of my hand.
18. I sliced my wrist open with a broken bottle while I was helping my friend Jeff clean up his grandmothers back yard. I threw the bottle to the garbage can and it opened a 2 inch gash in my wrist. I didn't feel it happen and only noticed because blood started to pour out of the glove I was wearing. I quickly covered the wound and ran home and went to the hospital for stitches. luckily it only opened up the skin and didn't hit any tendons or ligaments but it was kind of cool to move my fingers and watch them slide up and down.
19. I broke my ankle playing frisbee I jumped back to catch it and landed weird on the curb. I was in a cast for awhile until it started to itch so I cut it off.
20. I tore the tendons and ligaments in my left ankle when I fell off my friends half pipe skateboarding my ankle was the weirdest colors I have ever seen human flesh.
21. One day I was riding down the sidewalk on my skateboard when I hit a rock. The jolt knocked my glasses off, which off course flew out in front of me. When I hit my glasses they acted as a break, and I went flying. I landed hard on the sidewalk, and I ended up bruised battered and blind because of the broken glasses.
22. My friends and I would jump the fence and skate in an empty community pool (which is ironically a skate park now) the first time I went there I was unaware that the grate at the bottom stuck up about 2 inches because it was covered in leaves. I rode down the side of the pool struck the grate squarely and slammed into the side of the pool going about a million miles and hour. This was the second time in my life I had the wind knocked out of me. and it didn't help to have all my friends laughing while I gasped for air.
23. My friend Jeff accidentally poured boiling soup on my foot when I yanked off my sock the skin shriveled up and blistered right before my eyes it was really cool and gross at the same time (not to mention the unbelievable pain).
24. I was shot in the ear with a bb gun at scout camp. This hurt way more than you would expect.
25. My room when I was a teenager had stucco walls. I used to sleep with my bed up against the wall and then sleep curled up against it. One morning I woke up startled and without realizing how close I was to the wall I dragged my face against the razor sharp stucco cutting my cheek and nose up pretty good.

Adult not as many here yet...
26. When I was on my mission I was trying to cut a potato with a serrated knife. The knife slipped, and I discovered it was much better at cutting me than potatoes. I needed several stitches in my thumb.
27. When I was in grad school I was playing on an intramural softball team and I slid into base with shorts on. The baselines weren't soft dirt, for some reason they were razor sharp bits of gravel. The road rash I obtained took forever to heal.

Well, that is all I can think of at the moment. This post may be updated in the future sometime. I am always one step away from something weird happening. Hopefully, I am insured when it does.

4 comments:

Mindy said...

If our son starts into this injury phase, which he clearly will have inherited from you, I'm calling you to take him to the hospital!!

Scott said...

I think he inherited his mothers sense of caution. He doesn't leap headfirst into danger the way I did.

Jeff said...

Just for fun there were times you caused pain to others. I admit that I had earned it. A couple of months ago I was cleaning out my garage. For some reason my butt started to hurt. Then I remembered cleaning a garage on Glendale Street and a BB gun. I imagine this could continue on.

Scott said...

@Jeff
I still don't know why I shot you I think I must have been possessed or something good thing it was just a bb gun. I have much more impulse control now. (slowly sharpens knife)